First let me say - I LOVED doing our show this weekend. It felt Good and Right in the larger sense of things...
The bill we presented, the space in its craziness and Six Figures as a warm and welcoming company...all of it - I am comfortable and creative there - and that is wonderful.
So why is my brain so focused on the smaller things?
Well, perhaps because they are not smaller, they are actually unfortunate reality that has to get looked at when you stop moving....
and here I am.
After months of non-stop dance making and performance producing, I seem to have stopped, for at least a moment.
And in that moment I feel like I have been stabbed with something sharp.
Something that hits and then turns, questioning my ability to judge priority.
I am bleeding the green of serious financial issues and some red of heartache and fear that this company I have been working towards may not survive.
I watched Zoe and Madeline be exactly what they are: funny, smart, lovely, playful but intense performers and felt joy at their skill with our work together and a steep drop of loss at the fact that our audiences were so small.
And here's the rub - the audience that we had? They were wonderful and loving and LOVED the show...Loved Patrick's reminders to lick life just a bit more, Jeff's discovery of hats, light bulb eyes and cute girls in the dark....all of it. But. As the Artistic Director of a company it is my job to be sure that the company is following its mission (oh, we ARE) and making decisions based on the long term health of the company.
How is it possible that what I seem to be requesting is one more reminder that we are loved - because, damn it, I know we are.
We are loved.
And Enjoyed and granted Laughter and many Gifts of Time and Finance from dear people that Believe in Us.
Its simply time to keep pushing. Giving birth one year at a time......