Monday, May 04, 2009

states of dress and empty.

Bridal gowns are floating around in my imagination.
But not quite as they do in many female brains.
The gowns in my mind are points of constraint, sources of fear and concern...plain bad news upon entering.
I am not sure yet.
For some reason the women in my mind didn't know what they were in for, didn't quite mean it when they said yes, and are now quickly moving towards a future they thought they wanted (when they were 15) but now (as cognizant adults) completely (rightly) frightens them.
Some say I have commitment issues.
My Mom thinks I was ruined by working for matrimonial attorneys as a day job.
I don't think so.
I would like to think that writing approximately 200 Uncontested New York State Compliant Divorces actually led me to understand how one should treasure the choice to live life with one person, and how one should avoid divorce at all costs - not at the cost of your soul of course -if you are married and need to be not married any more, by all means - sever.
I mean weigh the choice SERIOUSLY before stepping that perfectly french pedicured toe into the matrimonial waters.

And then go for it - embrace love and life and both of those things with another person - make promises and vows in front of friends, goddess and any gods applicable, with a promise from your friends and said dieties to help you through the hard parts (that's important.)

A one person seems like a beautiful, wonderful idea.

It's the fear of waking up years from the decision to find the life you were aiming for has gotten squished by something you didn't actually want.
It breaks my heart that due to social pressure, financial fear and fear in general (of being alone, of losing out of being labeled as "unlovable") it happens.

then again, I'm a firm believer in never not-doing because of fear. So.......

There are folks like dear Sheila, Jeff, Megan, Charlie and others who don't blog who have found solid, good non life squishing vow inducing love. (btw why do none of my gay married friends blog? are gay married couples busier (how can anyone be busier than Jeff?) Have they just not told me? Will need to look into that. Betcha I just haven't found 'em 'round these parts yet.)

For the record, I am currently involved in a wonderful non life squishing love. I am working out how to deal with that reality - really.

Historically I've been regularly concerned that I would find out too late (the second, third and fourth shoe falling on my head not strong enough signs to wake me up and get out!)
I would like to think I had an intuition of what might happen, and I have saved my unsquished self for what happens now.

But clearly there are a few dances of playful panic that need to get made.

Here we go folks - deeper into Pressing Empty.
Zoe Bowick Levine (yep. happily married) Dancer


Patrick said...

Oh my dear, yes. So much to respond to here. I think I've told you before how, as a gay man who can't yet have a federally sanctioned marriage, I can actually get quite angry at the people who do it and seem to think there's nothing to it. It's no big deal. It changes their lives in no way. So why the hell bother to do it then? Because it's just what one does? Why? And like you, I wonder what it would feel like to say "you're the one I want to be with for the rest of my life" to someone, then wake up five/ten/twenty years later thinking,"my life has been squished beyond all health and recognition." I suppose I gain some freedom and perspective simply because the traditions and legal status don't yet apply to me; it means I have no choice but to ask the questions that such a step requires these days. And yes, I'm totally with you in thinking divorce needs to be available to get people out of soul-destroying situations... I'd just like all the anti-gay, marriage-is-a-sacrament-between-man-and-woman folks NOT be allowed to get divorced. Of course most of them have three or four under their belts... whoops going off the rails here a bit, obviously this triggers some deep responses from me. Maybe I should put them on my own blog though, rather than rambling on like this on yours.:)

Melissa said...

Hello dear Patrick - thank you for all of these thoughts - I was actually thinking of some of those things while writing as well. That the legal/illegality of marriage would open a whole other approach to needing to really want the action.

Which is also where the reality of forever hits me hard.

As for who is or is not multiply times married...I don't know 'bout that ;) - but it seems that rocks get thrown by the darndest hands, no?

Jeff Wills said...

I'm flattered by the implication that I'm the hardest working man in showbiz. Somebody get me a James Brown cloak.

Squishiness is inevitable in commitment, I think. Both the moments of wishy-washiness, and the moments of claustrophobia. I told a friend recently, half-jokingly, that the secret of marriage was to find the person you you were most interested in being irritated by for the rest of your life and never let them go. ;) I think, however, that love does save the day more often than not. Not just "true love" for one another, but for yourself and the world you live in as a couple.

Word Ver.: "scitinc" It's science! And incorporation!

Dame Wendy said...

Hey lovely lady. So happy to hear about the non-squishing love. I find that love for us is this plant we keep trying to kill with all of our differences and clumsiness but somehow that plant survives. Sometimes it thrives.

I have this deep sentimentality woven into the idea of marriage and the day, and the words but as I get older, and this could change (probably will, I know that I'm fickle and that my ideas change radically and totally), I find we're just happy to have good weather and sunshine. :)

Melissa said...

Jeffreee- I like your almost joke about irritation. :-)
and I do agree that love does save, if not on somedays simply improve life in general.
Wendy - I know you have a much more memory, fantasy, romantic-full mind-scape than I do - its one of the things I love about you and your writing....and I appreciate your thoughts about "The Day"
I think that as a performer and producer (and a women who has really not out any thought into the day at all) I see it as another show where I wear my heart on my sleeve, but since I do that for every show, its starts to look not so different when I glance side-ways.
The difference besides other things...would be that the outcome is that you get to take the other producer home with you after the show to celebrate!

My concern is often for those who get so distracted about the event, or the pressure to/for/about, that they forget there are many years of life, choices and negotiations to come afterward.

And of course my own personal concern has always been that I would unwittingly make a "bad" choice.