Empty. and Walking.

In 2007 I choreographed our show Right Before You Fell - it was a piece that explored what might happen if all of the elephants-in-the-room, or things we don't manage to say, were physicalized. To serve all that is unsaid.....there needed to be an awkward love story (or two) wound in for good lack of communication.

One "love story" was a series of duets between a singer and a dancer to Crazy by Willie Nelson.
The internal narrative of the dance is a women walking the city to clear her mind of love...but she imagines hearing his voice and his kisses flying towards her on the air.


While I was building the piece with Zoe, my Grandfather (Poppy) passed away.


I came back to the studio knowing deeply that this dance was not just about a break up, but also the intense sense of presence and forever that now fully immersed my Grandmother.

Poppy was gone, but Nanny was feeling him around every corner, and waiting patiently (most of the time) for him to show up, laugh and help her make some sauce.

It didn't happen. Until now. Yesterday my Grandmother passed away. Quietly ushered into death with words of love from my Mom, Dad and me.

And when we celebrate her life tomorrow and Tuesday these new dances about emptiness and fulfillment will begin to be filled with the wisdom of loss, the joy of finding home, and the bubbling laughter that we all can't help but equate with Nanny.

She has always been a wise voice and good listener. She had the strength of love in her actions and words. She will be missed in body here - but her loving ways and advice are part of all of us and will never be lost or forgotten.
Theresa Cerone Sanducci 1926-2009

Beach Dances

Music By Amos Lee
A collaboration between H. Frizzell & M. Riker
________________________________________

Madeline - Pressing Empty

This is Mads phrase paired down and turned into gestures that might be seen in an "everyday" situation. Things we, as people (not as dancers), might do.

Music by Suzie Almond

In the Empty

The new work is in rehearsal.....Christa's dress (below) will play an important role.
Fluffy.
Escape Routes.
Identity.
Distraction.
Lovely layered with Indecision.

Note to Self III or Side Step (but still VERY important)

I have to tell you something.
I have an overdeveloped sense of "Me Do" while simultaneously getting caught up in snares of wacked funds, injections of art-fear and a tangled bit of self-devaluing.

After a conversation this morning.....my breast-plate, and sense of what I hold back in myself is cracked open in a way it hasn't been in years.

I am busting up and through these barriers of my own glaceing.
Everything takes time. Healing, revelations and dances.
But. All of those things also take action. Here we go. Thanks for listening.

states of dress and empty.

Bridal gowns are floating around in my imagination.
But not quite as they do in many female brains.
The gowns in my mind are points of constraint, sources of fear and concern...plain bad news upon entering.
Why?
I am not sure yet.
For some reason the women in my mind didn't know what they were in for, didn't quite mean it when they said yes, and are now quickly moving towards a future they thought they wanted (when they were 15) but now (as cognizant adults) completely (rightly) frightens them.
Some say I have commitment issues.
My Mom thinks I was ruined by working for matrimonial attorneys as a day job.
I don't think so.
I would like to think that writing approximately 200 Uncontested New York State Compliant Divorces actually led me to understand how one should treasure the choice to live life with one person, and how one should avoid divorce at all costs - not at the cost of your soul of course -if you are married and need to be not married any more, by all means - sever.
I mean weigh the choice SERIOUSLY before stepping that perfectly french pedicured toe into the matrimonial waters.

And then go for it - embrace love and life and both of those things with another person - make promises and vows in front of friends, goddess and any gods applicable, with a promise from your friends and said dieties to help you through the hard parts (that's important.)

A one person seems like a beautiful, wonderful idea.

It's the fear of waking up years from the decision to find the life you were aiming for has gotten squished by something you didn't actually want.
It breaks my heart that due to social pressure, financial fear and fear in general (of being alone, of losing out of being labeled as "unlovable") it happens.

then again, I'm a firm believer in never not-doing because of fear. So.......

There are folks like dear Sheila, Jeff, Megan, Charlie and others who don't blog who have found solid, good non life squishing vow inducing love. (btw why do none of my gay married friends blog? are gay married couples busier (how can anyone be busier than Jeff?) Have they just not told me? Will need to look into that. Betcha I just haven't found 'em 'round these parts yet.)

For the record, I am currently involved in a wonderful non life squishing love. I am working out how to deal with that reality - really.

Historically I've been regularly concerned that I would find out too late (the second, third and fourth shoe falling on my head not strong enough signs to wake me up and get out!)
I would like to think I had an intuition of what might happen, and I have saved my unsquished self for what happens now.

But clearly there are a few dances of playful panic that need to get made.

Here we go folks - deeper into Pressing Empty.

Zoe Bowick Levine (yep. happily married) Dancer

-flicted ( love note to you)

empty and full simultaneously.
and it's because of you.

So.
thank you.

For
finding your way here -
sticking around when you arrived
and enjoying the dance

Steps in Tearing

Shred this

I am looking for a wedding dress to shred for Zoe's costume for the new duet.
I was trying to move the thoughts in my mind around to a point where I no longer see her in a destroyed emblem of vows of love...but, Love lost was once Love had and this duet is the layering of having and losing into the same space.
Since I can't shake the image...I need to go with it for now.
I found this website with these images (there are more)....I love them
The photos are by Kamp Photography

Empty III

Quietly sitting in the heart
of time
a
Space
of
you
Without you

Toes in Sand and Head in the Clouds

Our individual life dances are made from a deep internal rhythm. That rhythm is partially built from the spots on this earth that speak to us -










My soul feels most at home near moving water- I could sit and watch it for hours. Any kind of moving water will do, really - but an expansive beach is a core connection spot for me....

Where is your soul spot?

A little ditty

Sleeps with Butterflies
(Tori Amos)

Airplanes
Take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not
but I like rivers that rush in
So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat
I won't push you
Unless you have a net

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of
Your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly, then, boy

Self Portrait Take II

I move in small moments of quick decisions based on instincts

however
sometimes
I have to wait for everything to align.
and in those moments I surprise myself with my
patience.

Zoe and Daniel are dancing beautifully and we are(thankfully) back in rehearsal -
I am looking forward to winding this piece around and around them -- building it into whatever story it becomes.

In its original thought moment, this piece was a wedding present.
Then it couldn't be.
As the empty plowed through me and took up residence in my limbs and chest,
I knew that the dance still needed to get made.
Now - I'm thankful this duet has been moving through the sometimes quiet and beautiful, sometimes sharp and jagged, moments of Emptiness.
And

I have more layers to fold into the movement. Another kind of missing. A displacement juxtaposed with a sense of grounding I never would have understood before.

Seattle and Here

Back in the folds of Brooklyn.
for now.
this is what I can say of travels:
Friends, near and far are a good, very good thing
Life changes. sometimes quickly...sometimes in half breath moments that aren't detected until later.
Asking for what life might give you is allowed.
Joy is watching children stare at parents with wonder,
mountains turn pink in the sunset,
ducks diving into water head first leaving their fluffy bottoms topside for all to see...
And...
Getting a kiss when you want one, enjoying simple easy moments, missing them when they are over....and hoping you are given them again.

Empty Clarity

There are questions I was never willing to ask

The feeling of not having you has been overwhelming in moments even now.

My dreams are more concrete.

I can reach out and feel where you aren't, while feeling on my skin where you can be remembered.

Tears are functioning as a release of questions.

Rumi makes things Better

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with

our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater

begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately

it needs some wild darling! At

night, I open the window and ask

the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into

me. Close the language- door and

open the love window. The moon

won't use the door, only the window.

Translator: Coleman Barks

Mouth off...Nicely

Here I am. standing near you.

Does it move/nudge/interest you?
Have the cells of your skin moved at all?
Am I thinking too much?
Of course I am. I always am. That's how dances get made.
But wait. I know where the hairs on your arm are, I know what you'll do if I lean back into you
Or I think I...
wait.
Here I go again, again.
If
I close my eyes I remember what your lips feel like. the soft curve.
Stubble (I'm always a day late)
and that I always want an extra one.
Either they are nice or I am greedy.........perhaps both.

and there it is. The empty has moved its way into my mind. I question words, over think moments and melodramatically consider never speaking to you again.
But I can't do that -
Souls connect and
"part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time."
so for now I'll think about
Leaning backwards and getting caught by desire,
Consider reaching out to be lightly kissed...
Find contentment with my independence and empty while making fabulous mind altering revelations about my own near and far future.

Devil May Care - by The Devils Panties

Vantage

In the past 2 months I have experienced some of the worst pain and confusion from love lost that I have known.
But in the midst of that pain and empty, I have seen and felt the most tremendous outpouring of love and warmth and graciousness from my incredible beautiful gifts of friends.
Each of you, mentioned and unmentioned mean more then I can comprehend and count in any way.
Thank you for being and thank you for taking time to listen.

In this time

In a moment of quiet, what occurs?
Do you empty your stored up tears or find comfort in silence?
What do you feel when there is a body next to you, relaxed...
an arm thrown over you, so you can hold the quiet hand that is there with love?
What, besides the obvious is missing when that body is no longer there?
Where is the space in us that the Empty exists? Or, does it move?

An UnWinding

The past still matters.
It lives in a different way.
But it's there.
I'm not sure if this is singular to me, or if everyone feels this way but sometimes I feel as though I am a mandala of my experiences...or a patchwork quilt.
The people that have touched me in my life are written in small stitches, or large sloppy sewing that is part of what builds me and is a layer of who I am.

The art of life intrigues me - the danger, or adventure...certainly the connection and chemistry of people. The way one person's hand feels on your arm versus another.

And in these ways all loves stay within us...each with their own kind of home and mark -
I don't believe that it has to stay that way - I think you can do some cosmic cleaning and rid yourself of the strings that will hold you back, or keep you from true love....

Snip, snip.......

The difficulty of course, is knowing what to cut, and what to keep.
(Mandala pictured above is from The Mandala Project)