states of dress and empty.

Bridal gowns are floating around in my imagination.
But not quite as they do in many female brains.
The gowns in my mind are points of constraint, sources of fear and concern...plain bad news upon entering.
Why?
I am not sure yet.
For some reason the women in my mind didn't know what they were in for, didn't quite mean it when they said yes, and are now quickly moving towards a future they thought they wanted (when they were 15) but now (as cognizant adults) completely (rightly) frightens them.
Some say I have commitment issues.
My Mom thinks I was ruined by working for matrimonial attorneys as a day job.
I don't think so.
I would like to think that writing approximately 200 Uncontested New York State Compliant Divorces actually led me to understand how one should treasure the choice to live life with one person, and how one should avoid divorce at all costs - not at the cost of your soul of course -if you are married and need to be not married any more, by all means - sever.
I mean weigh the choice SERIOUSLY before stepping that perfectly french pedicured toe into the matrimonial waters.

And then go for it - embrace love and life and both of those things with another person - make promises and vows in front of friends, goddess and any gods applicable, with a promise from your friends and said dieties to help you through the hard parts (that's important.)

A one person seems like a beautiful, wonderful idea.

It's the fear of waking up years from the decision to find the life you were aiming for has gotten squished by something you didn't actually want.
It breaks my heart that due to social pressure, financial fear and fear in general (of being alone, of losing out of being labeled as "unlovable") it happens.

then again, I'm a firm believer in never not-doing because of fear. So.......

There are folks like dear Sheila, Jeff, Megan, Charlie and others who don't blog who have found solid, good non life squishing vow inducing love. (btw why do none of my gay married friends blog? are gay married couples busier (how can anyone be busier than Jeff?) Have they just not told me? Will need to look into that. Betcha I just haven't found 'em 'round these parts yet.)

For the record, I am currently involved in a wonderful non life squishing love. I am working out how to deal with that reality - really.

Historically I've been regularly concerned that I would find out too late (the second, third and fourth shoe falling on my head not strong enough signs to wake me up and get out!)
I would like to think I had an intuition of what might happen, and I have saved my unsquished self for what happens now.

But clearly there are a few dances of playful panic that need to get made.

Here we go folks - deeper into Pressing Empty.

Zoe Bowick Levine (yep. happily married) Dancer

RePast...II

Views from the Street
first draft.

it resurges.
walks past you
on a too warm day.
the cool warmth of old lovers
in eyes and words.
married, said. happy, underneath.

choices. of cobblestone streets
front stoop views.
white and black paws.
kitchen table giggles.

both late. late for work. late bloomers.
but blooming.
open
choices are open doors.
to vows, future, uptown healing, support....
or dreams, flight and future choices.

An UnWinding

The past still matters.
It lives in a different way.
But it's there.
I'm not sure if this is singular to me, or if everyone feels this way but sometimes I feel as though I am a mandala of my experiences...or a patchwork quilt.
The people that have touched me in my life are written in small stitches, or large sloppy sewing that is part of what builds me and is a layer of who I am.

The art of life intrigues me - the danger, or adventure...certainly the connection and chemistry of people. The way one person's hand feels on your arm versus another.

And in these ways all loves stay within us...each with their own kind of home and mark -
I don't believe that it has to stay that way - I think you can do some cosmic cleaning and rid yourself of the strings that will hold you back, or keep you from true love....

Snip, snip.......

The difficulty of course, is knowing what to cut, and what to keep.
(Mandala pictured above is from The Mandala Project)