the week before a retreat....

it's NEXT WEEK??!

Actually, we are pretty ready to go away.
That doesn't mean I don't look at the calendar and freak out.
Because I do.
But thanks in large part to the KP team of Kimberly (logistics) and Anna Lauren (business), things are getting smoothed out, logistics are getting figured and the baby tiger of time will keep rolling.

Next: Get the class schedule in Bellows Falls decided!

design me

I look back at things I have written, posted...and the dances that I've built and I think:
Damn... I guess I'm not as private as I think I am.

Because I am.

But these dances aren't.
they are for sure "Written on the Body" as Jeannette Winterson wrote...
or as I said many years ago "All I have is my body to explain to you my mind."

All of the wonderings we pursue to make these works are parts of life that I am trying to understand and put together -
As a collective mind, most of what we talk about, the dancers are interested in exploring as well.......and since much of what happens to us in life is strangely funny, we do spend a lot of time laughing at ourselves.......

So when I look at it all as a collection..... I feel awfully and refreshingly vulnerable for all of us.

Mapping Home will be shown in it's current iteration of rough sketches tomorrow at the newly created Gibney Dance Center @ 890 Broadway.
Hope you can join us in our current search for ways of revealing ourselves to you.....

If you are far away, but are still interested, you can see the showing via our livestream.... Send me a love note, and I'll send you the link ;)

Confabulation - Brain Dances

My friend Daniel posted this word last week sometime  -
And its been turning over and over in my mind since.....
________________________________

con-fab-u-late

1. To talk casually; chat.
2. Psychology To fill in gaps in one's memory with fabrications that one believes to be facts.
[Latin confabulari, confabulat- : com- , com + fabulari, to talk (from fabula, conversation; see fable).]
confabulation n, confabulator n, confabulatory adj

_________________________________

How the mind puts together stories... and how they are accepted-

Sparks interesting thoughts also that "to talk casually" is the same word as "fabrications"

Perhaps it is getting closer to the bit I said to friend Erin the other day "A really good liar doesn't always know they are lying, because they believe themselves in that moment."

So "casually" able to "fabricate"...

However, for those of you playing along at home.....(most of you?)
- Confabulation is NOT lying -
It is a psychological disorder -

I imagine it to be much like my Grandmother's conversations in her last year during moments of dementia. We would jump from a reality of 1940, to now, to a news program she had seen, to something completely made up.... all warped/wrapped up in one story, with her as the main character...no knowledge on her part that it wasn't exactly true.

I miss those stories -but that's another entry entirely.

But.. what about those of us that do not have a disorder.... what about the moments when our realities don't mesh with what is in front of us...

You have heard it plenty of times: "I couldn't see it, even though it was right in front of me"

What do our minds want us to see?

How much of it is patterning....and how much of it will go away with time and change of scenery?
We are patterned, our brains have pathways that get used more regularly...we tell ourselves stories to get used to the way things are.... or are not.

The song by John Doe "Golden State"... not sure why it comes to mind with this word... maybe because of his raw and fantastic imagery...both sweet and bloody - the two things that combine to make relationships, people... memories stick together or fall apart - each person with their story of how it happened and why.  Course...I don't know what "the feeling you get in the Golden State" is.... but I know what it is to walk away...and to be walked away from.

John Doe and Cindy Wasserman - Golden State

Tough on Equipment, But Nice Anyway.

Life has stages.
On some, good art happens, on others...mediocre.
My hope?
that I'm standing on the right one at the right time.

ok, fine.
That was a bit of a departure from the initial thought.
Lets's start over:

Life has stages, and transitions.
Some are large Goal-Post-Surrounded-Landmarks. Most, however, are imperceptible moments that let light in just a little more.
They let us "become", gently.
The curve in conversation where it is clear that the future is irrevocably changed, the past is most definitely in the past and not to be revisited or really discussed....
Something makes you realize that each step is a step away from "this" and toward "next" ....
That each morning woken up with a beautiful smile and cup of coffee is another day of happiness.
....Fact is, you probably knew these things already - but there are little reminders that snap perspective into place....and they are usually not big and dramatic experiences.

But for me, that's where the dances live. In those tiny moments that we have the freedom to poke around in, to make them a bit bigger, to shake them up and place them on stage for all of us to point and laugh, or to wonder at our own ability to shut out change.

(for those of you reading this on Fbook, video from Pressing Empty is embedded here)

During the three years of building Pressing Empty, my life was restructured and rebuilt - filled to the brim with a home, creativity, smiles and generosity.... my friends are blessed beings and my love is amazing.

There is a little girl whose life I follow closely out of a protective love for her and her parents.
Her growth is a physical example of the changes I have seen.  Her amazing journey and incredible parents are my gentle tracking of our lives and how we stand up for who we are. How I have changed, who she is becoming, the choices we all make and which life we want. Her family has had to fight for their lifestyle - she has become a beautiful little fighter and I look forward to teaching her to dance.

I want this life I have been lucky enough to stumble into - and I want to keep sharing it with my loved ones, their families and...
I will keep inviting you in.

Take a Bow.... and maybe a glowstick!

It's hard to describe the feelings standing backstage while the amazing woman making the announcements in front of the curtain is talking about YOU.
ok fine.

ME.
I'm brave, blushing, cocky, shy, and nervous!... B was standing nearby and asked if I was nervous (because she was)...... I whispered:
"Yes! Absolutely I am!"
I was a new kind of nervous...
It's not your run-of-the-mill "I hope I dance well and remember things" kind of nervous...
This was a "Hello folks! Yessiree! I was allowed to teach your children for 8 weeks... lookie what we did!" kind of nerves...
The kind where you realize the audience, the very full audience, made up primarily of teenagers and parents, has every right to judge you completely and totally.

Ugh.

But for all those little nerves and questions....there was so much joy! Around me, next to me... running down the hallway at me...
I loved it.
Caroline had told the students to not go looking for me because I was getting ready to perform...so when I saw them in the hallway:
N burst out "I didn't find her! It was an accident!!"
K said "Ms. Riker we wouldn't come find you, but you found us!"
all these moments of excitement, pictures taken and dances performed in their one chance in front of family and peers.... (no pressure! wow.)
I fell in love all over again.
With the immediate emotion these dancers bring to their dances, the questions on their faces and the crazy beautiful exuberance that happens in a moment's notice...(directly after a major bout of pouting in some cases.) I was thrilled.
J and J performed a wonderful duet I was honored to have been part of coaching, A, C and M rocked with their trio, M and L had finished their duet (they were worried - when I left SYR they had taken two rehearsals to create 8 counts... sometimes that's the way it goes)

25 pieces... well.. 26 if you include mine.

Many of them solos and duets that the students had choreographed.
Interspersed were the class dances that we had created together - Caroline had been rehearsal director for these dances that were completely unfamiliar to her, with movement made by someone slightly more monkey than lovely...and she did a terrific job.
She gave them counts (I didn't) and the classes found their dances during their 5 or 6 weeks of rehearsal after I was gone.

....and then something happened that FLOORED me. I've heard people say that (OK, mostly my Mom says "It floored me"...and I think it means "felt like it knocked you down it was so surprising".)

And this did -  .....A speech was given by M, H and A (possibly the most beautiful speech I have EVER been the focus of btw) explaining that Period 6/7 had created a second class dance - they had taken the floor phrase I had taught as a fun warm up with some nice balance and floor challenges   - they said they had combined the things I had taught them (martial arts, circus and dance) and made this dance as a dedication - to me! (What?!?...oh my goodness!)
... it was to Jack Johnson's warm and folksy song that we'd listen to for extra smiles when we needed them:  "Better Together"
Fabulous warm fuzzies for all!

The dance that I had worked with 6/7 on  incorporated glowsticks -

And wow! did it work! the entire stage vibrated with colors and small points of light -  they were beautiful. (this is the best picture I have of it -doesn't do it justice at all - no fault of the photographer...glowsticks are hard to capture.) Their ending was supposed to be a dramatic exit through the audience with glowsticks - they created their ending, swirling as they should but then in the dark lined up in front of the stage, their backs to us...when they turned around we saw they had shaped the glowsticks into "THANK YOU MS RIKER"
I almost passed out..I didn't - but I did clap and yell my cheers and hope they could hear me.

In the end all of these dancers: Ensemble, Per 1, 2, 4, 6/7 ...soloists, trios, duets and groups - worked hard and reaped what they sowed -  it was successful.   I am proud that The West Genesee Dance Department's presentation of "Arrival" was the culmination of a residency by Kinesis Project dance theatre.

And if I had glow sticks to return the amazing favor of my name in colored shapes.....I would say "THANK YOU WEST GENESEE"
for 8 weeks that kept me laughing, patient, open, breathing, doing yoga after lunch, partnering after school, crunches on Tues and Thurs, capoeira in a parking lot, a dance on an outside wall, 11th Period breaks = run-ins with boys and fun conversation, and finally, paying attention to even the smaller moments of Arrival.

Have a wonderful summer, dancers. (but that would take a lot of glowsticks.....)

Mapping Home - Step 1

I will post more about the overall experience of being at WGHS for the final performance of the work we did in my next post.

In addition to going up and seeing all of the students again (yay!) and getting some amazing feedback from students and parents I was asked (as you know) to perform.  I chose to work on something new...
and I can officially say:
The first Mapping Home solo has been performed....and in it a discovery made....
a question of comfort and home coupled with text about being uncomfortable...
hmmmm... more to look at there for sure.

In the meantime...
Text (and some pictures taken by my friend Lisa) below:

A sage whisper crawls up my thigh
...past my waist and breast...
it tickles with breathy advice
as I lean toward you...
"Complete a movement, words are the same...'like' doesn't feel this way"

I lean forward.

Blue eyes wonder

Why I start/stop sentences, phrases, movement
I have aquired an
Emotional stutter...

I can dance without stops,
I can wander this impossible city in one-long-breath
But I can't seem to tell you - that I..
well.
I.
Will
I well...
I...




My eyes close and I see eyelid movies of us...
Cold towel hooks tiles on my back..
a rose in pieces...
Red petal words cause stuttering in my brain
Like pumpkin seed thoughts, caught in my
teeth.

I have bitten you, instead of telling you,
That I could find more -
Here.

I lean forward.
Taking weight in my hands..
Willing you to watch my mouth, tell you:
I am falling.







all photos by Lisa Shoemaker all text by M.Riker

Teaching Balance

I am a teacher. At least for 8 weeks. In a High School in Syracuse NY that houses a fabulous Arts Department and, you guessed it, a dance studio -
A big, beautiful dance studio (though it shrinks when you put 25 dancing bodies in it).
Between 7:30am and 12:30 pm 105 teenagers join me in the constant search for expression and keeping ourselves entertained.

As dancers who work with me in Kinesis Project know, my process is not linear - its almost completely alinear - if that's a word. This is a challenge for young dancers who have been given dances for a long time that go from A-B-C or maybe A-C-B....if I am really IN a process it may look more like J-5-G-T-9,1,2,F....

I'm not sure if I can explain why that is - its possible someone who loves me could, however.

For most of my classes here I have challenged myself to work the way they do - Four of the classes are learning movement, or generating from my base movement and then I am building the order in a good 'ol A,B,C kinda way -
The ones who are really getting the brunt of my un-line-ing are the Ensemble group.

My Ensemble class is the last of my day, they are the most advanced dancers and the most willing to deal with a nutty choreographer (although I think the others like the last part too.)
Some of the classes are getting more focus in circus skill, and this week I'll be starting an after school experience for those who want to learn more partnering skills when I'm able to give more one-on-one attention in the "please don't fall down" and "look at how cool this is" categories.

I don't give homework, I don't always have the best behaving classes, but I do feel like since I've been here there are new bits of information I can give these bodies - hopefully leaving them stronger more willing to try strange things in movement because "one time we had a guest teacher and she always asked why are you doing that movement?, taught us to stand on one another made us do push-ups on Mondays and crunches on Tuesdays!"

My hope is that most are learning to listen to one another just a bit more, to balance lovely with not-so-lovely and story with movement. They are teaching me patience and to look a bit deeper into their eyes when they say "I can't do that."

The teacher I stay with here said: "I won't teach them science in 41 minutes, but I can show them how to be people that make better choices."
In my case, it's not quite possible to get into the details of dance technique - I've got to pray someone else can do that - but I can ask them to calmly listen to one another, teach them ways of getting stronger and show them how to find movement they haven't yet experienced.

Empty. and Walking.

In 2007 I choreographed our show Right Before You Fell - it was a piece that explored what might happen if all of the elephants-in-the-room, or things we don't manage to say, were physicalized. To serve all that is unsaid.....there needed to be an awkward love story (or two) wound in for good lack of communication.

One "love story" was a series of duets between a singer and a dancer to Crazy by Willie Nelson.
The internal narrative of the dance is a women walking the city to clear her mind of love...but she imagines hearing his voice and his kisses flying towards her on the air.


While I was building the piece with Zoe, my Grandfather (Poppy) passed away.


I came back to the studio knowing deeply that this dance was not just about a break up, but also the intense sense of presence and forever that now fully immersed my Grandmother.

Poppy was gone, but Nanny was feeling him around every corner, and waiting patiently (most of the time) for him to show up, laugh and help her make some sauce.

It didn't happen. Until now. Yesterday my Grandmother passed away. Quietly ushered into death with words of love from my Mom, Dad and me.

And when we celebrate her life tomorrow and Tuesday these new dances about emptiness and fulfillment will begin to be filled with the wisdom of loss, the joy of finding home, and the bubbling laughter that we all can't help but equate with Nanny.

She has always been a wise voice and good listener. She had the strength of love in her actions and words. She will be missed in body here - but her loving ways and advice are part of all of us and will never be lost or forgotten.
Theresa Cerone Sanducci 1926-2009

Beach Dances

Music By Amos Lee
A collaboration between H. Frizzell & M. Riker
________________________________________

Blues Hit Hard

First let me say - I LOVED doing our show this weekend. It felt Good and Right in the larger sense of things...
The bill we presented, the space in its craziness and Six Figures as a warm and welcoming company...all of it - I am comfortable and creative there - and that is wonderful.
So why is my brain so focused on the smaller things?
Well, perhaps because they are not smaller, they are actually unfortunate reality that has to get looked at when you stop moving....
and here I am.
I've landed.
After months of non-stop dance making and performance producing, I seem to have stopped, for at least a moment.
And in that moment I feel like I have been stabbed with something sharp.
Something that hits and then turns, questioning my ability to judge priority.
I am bleeding the green of serious financial issues and some red of heartache and fear that this company I have been working towards may not survive.
I watched Zoe and Madeline be exactly what they are: funny, smart, lovely, playful but intense performers and felt joy at their skill with our work together and a steep drop of loss at the fact that our audiences were so small.

And here's the rub - the audience that we had? They were wonderful and loving and LOVED the show...Loved Patrick's reminders to lick life just a bit more, Jeff's discovery of hats, light bulb eyes and cute girls in the dark....all of it. But. As the Artistic Director of a company it is my job to be sure that the company is following its mission (oh, we ARE) and making decisions based on the long term health of the company.

Am I?
How is it possible that what I seem to be requesting is one more reminder that we are loved - because, damn it, I know we are.
We are loved.
And Enjoyed and granted Laughter and many Gifts of Time and Finance from dear people that Believe in Us.

Its simply time to keep pushing. Giving birth one year at a time......

Wandering to focus

Again. going for a walk in the woods helps get the work done.
I feel more focus, love (even focus in regards to that love) and openness then I did before I left the house.
Green stuff, sunshine and breezes will do that.......

Empty III

Quietly sitting in the heart
of time
a
Space
of
you
Without you

What I learned today

I love being in rehearsal
and
I make dances about the little moments.
The bits we think aren't paramount until a little later.
Its the small in-betweens, the transitions between larger action, that makes up so much more of what we have in our relationships, our existence in general.
The big things matter, of course they do, but falling asleep wound around a lover is the possession of the moment after the explosion, and just as important in the grand scheme of determining in what realm that relationship exists.

I recently wrote a note that was never sent, and in it I proclaimed:

I play well, I like to laugh, I am loyal and an easy going spirit generally -
I love affection, warmth, daily tribulations...words, music, raw emotion and clear intention.

I was able to name it for that note - but then I hadn't linked together for myself why those are the things I find so beautiful in this life.
While in rehearsal today I again realized that in this dance I am focused on sleeping, minute interactions and the small points of energy that create the larger whole of what we understand as love and partnership.

Life imitating art imitating life imitating a shadow puppet.

One step at a time - I am moving slowly away from my old home and (it seems) just as slowly gaining footing in my new one.
Chocolate chip pancakes at the neighborhood diner, walking in a snow covered old wood park (as Patrick claimed it) looking out over the Hudson from a vista (a real live vista!) and cleaning house to make room for the belongings that will make their way across the Hudson and into this feels-too-big-for-just-me-right-now apartment

The new duet is creating itself from moments that are happening, moving around in my bones and then ending up on the dancers.

Urban Country Girl

It is a little sad how excited I am to be able to see
1. sunrises
2. trees
3. sky
from my new place.
here's a pic of the path across the street that leads up into Inwood Hill Park

Moving

It is time for the next part of this multi-month transition.

There is a historical park across from the new place
and this is Kinesis Project's new subway corner












I'll be on Payson..(right at the park)

Away

In Washington State, specifically Pt. Townsend....

I took a ferry across the Sound to get to Bainbridge Island....all of the mountains were "out" here...an unusual and incredible sight to see the water surrounded by snow capped mountains...harbor seals playing next to the ferry and the air crisp and cold.
I couldn't stay inside the ferry...I just stood out there amazed at the feeling of freedom I get on the water and the sense that there is so much nature NYC leaves behind.

For now I'll be enjoying warm company and dogs and walks on wooded paths...Last night's Sunset and full moon rising with the Olympic Mountains clearly seen was an overwhelming and beautiful experience.








I started this trip with my dearest Becky in LA at her beautiful cozy house....









Next is Seattle, to see Charlie, Alexis, Laura, Tom, Am and Rob....

There are dances to be made at home.

Thank goodness. I might not get there otherwise.

Empty Clarity

There are questions I was never willing to ask

The feeling of not having you has been overwhelming in moments even now.

My dreams are more concrete.

I can reach out and feel where you aren't, while feeling on my skin where you can be remembered.

Tears are functioning as a release of questions.

Ever Random

An old woman was standing near the ambulance
the old man was in the gurney, pale.
My hand reached into my pocket and hit "2" ("1" is voicemail)
Out of love, and worry.
And because people should get old. And get that way together, as couples in whatever configuration or as a community...but get old...see life... as much of it as possible....
Not hidden in a cave of pre-made images and self doubt...that's not life.
That's a slow __________
I know not everyone gets that, parents, siblings, friends...I know. And I'm not even saying that I am that other person for you...(I even said as much) But if you have life...
If you have it in you.... then hold on to it and see it...look it in the face and lick it damn it.
Or whatever you want to do to it. Personal preference over-rides....

Time to get back into rehearsal.

Split

a magical time is coming to an end.
and this time,
it is my fault.
and
I am not the only one getting hurt.
Nope.
A very close friend is getting much more damaged then I am.
She is losing her freedom, her escape, her annex... if you will.
And I did it.
Complacency sucks.
Even when you don't even know you are doing it.
and a trillion times worse when you do.
I'm speaking in riddles.
But let me tell you folks... when you hear your inner voice telling you to do something
Freakin' LISTEN UP and do it.