Uh-Oh

WEEK 5
****************************************
This is the week of self-doubt.
When I started teaching I was going to create dances like no-one had ever seen before on the WG stage...
And now I'm not so sure.
At least about my beginner classes -

We are still having fun - and all of us are learning - but there are bumps in the road -
Like...the levels of training, the level of focus (or lack thereof) and the questions I have about how to build a piece based only on what I walk in the room with -

There isn't time to build something extravagant or full of concept because I taught for a week, started building phrases and now have 41 minutes a day to create each piece.

Sometimes I end classes feeling as though the experience is well worth the confusion of choreographing this way - and sometimes....

I hear the voices of my teachers "Choreograph to music without words first" and feel like I am mis-leading them.....
...or there is a sense that I am accidentally choreographing something that falls directly into the recital focus genre that I so strongly disagree with as a teacher, dancer and choreographer....
because here I am with my kids dancing to DJ Earworm


and Jay Sean


Why? Because my gut told me they would be that much more on board, get more out of this experience...and be more open to trying things if we were dancing to music that made them happy immediately and gave us all a lift when we crank it up and dance.
The good news, is that it does...hopefully the bad news is all in my mind.

Lets call it an experiment.

Edit.... and Find a Story

I sat down yesterday with the intention of creating a rehearsal reel for Kinesis Project -
What ended up happening was something almost more interesting for the process of building Pressing Empty -
Something NOT a reel, but kind of a choreographer's exploration into Rebecca's character in Pressing Empty -
All disclaimers apply of course...


Music: Regina Spektor Dancers: Zoe Bowick, Rebecca Patek.

the dancing in the studio is part of the process of choreographic collaboration -
the dancing on the roof is solely improv by Rebecca.

states of dress and empty.

Bridal gowns are floating around in my imagination.
But not quite as they do in many female brains.
The gowns in my mind are points of constraint, sources of fear and concern...plain bad news upon entering.
Why?
I am not sure yet.
For some reason the women in my mind didn't know what they were in for, didn't quite mean it when they said yes, and are now quickly moving towards a future they thought they wanted (when they were 15) but now (as cognizant adults) completely (rightly) frightens them.
Some say I have commitment issues.
My Mom thinks I was ruined by working for matrimonial attorneys as a day job.
I don't think so.
I would like to think that writing approximately 200 Uncontested New York State Compliant Divorces actually led me to understand how one should treasure the choice to live life with one person, and how one should avoid divorce at all costs - not at the cost of your soul of course -if you are married and need to be not married any more, by all means - sever.
I mean weigh the choice SERIOUSLY before stepping that perfectly french pedicured toe into the matrimonial waters.

And then go for it - embrace love and life and both of those things with another person - make promises and vows in front of friends, goddess and any gods applicable, with a promise from your friends and said dieties to help you through the hard parts (that's important.)

A one person seems like a beautiful, wonderful idea.

It's the fear of waking up years from the decision to find the life you were aiming for has gotten squished by something you didn't actually want.
It breaks my heart that due to social pressure, financial fear and fear in general (of being alone, of losing out of being labeled as "unlovable") it happens.

then again, I'm a firm believer in never not-doing because of fear. So.......

There are folks like dear Sheila, Jeff, Megan, Charlie and others who don't blog who have found solid, good non life squishing vow inducing love. (btw why do none of my gay married friends blog? are gay married couples busier (how can anyone be busier than Jeff?) Have they just not told me? Will need to look into that. Betcha I just haven't found 'em 'round these parts yet.)

For the record, I am currently involved in a wonderful non life squishing love. I am working out how to deal with that reality - really.

Historically I've been regularly concerned that I would find out too late (the second, third and fourth shoe falling on my head not strong enough signs to wake me up and get out!)
I would like to think I had an intuition of what might happen, and I have saved my unsquished self for what happens now.

But clearly there are a few dances of playful panic that need to get made.

Here we go folks - deeper into Pressing Empty.

Zoe Bowick Levine (yep. happily married) Dancer

Fidgety

I am putting dances down and picking them up again.
like a pen on a desk that has a fun click release.
Click.
Click click.
Click. ok. now...STOP.
Breathing.

Lets focus on an event shall we?
ok.
I was asked to change the name of one of my dances to fit a theater's mission.
And I won't do it - I answered in a breath of time - not even! I twitched a little at the request
and Blurted a "No! I can't"
even though it was made by someone I am becoming friends with
and whose work I will enjoy being part of if it ever so happens....
But I can't and I won't -
name change not the point by the way -
the point is that the work Gull(ability) is inspired by (which usually in my work means more like "jumping off from", "bounding away from" or "with light touches of the concepts someone might have seen in" ) because when I say "inspired" I guess I really mean it -
it makes me think and dive off in a direction -
not necessarily the same direction the source may have gone or ended up -
Which I find darn exciting.

However - for things that could be chosen by this lovely theater are:
our Odyssey piece "My Steps Toward You"- which sticks a bit closer to story line,
and a (yet to be set on bodies) Macbeth piece "In the Lady's Words"

Time to send a link to my friend with the link! Ha! Words are funny.
Click. Click....

Steps in Tearing

Flurry in spring

There are many small parts floating around right now trying to find their place in my brain -
This is, of course, also part of the process - letting the segments float, until, in a moment of focus, each finds their home in the work (or gets cut out in editing!)

Right now however, there is a sense of snowfall in my brain -
Each part is unique, but in a moment of blurry vision chances becoming a fuzzy pile of "same" white noise

I'm not really doing justice to snowfall...or my brain....
but - maybe you get my drift - oops!...pun alert!

Instead of bad puns.....how about this one - its not a dance - yet.

Street Signs and Distance

in a face ready to smile
i find joy
i want to hold -
my eyes open
in
a lit room on 10^th St.
full of dances
clinging
salty and laughing
in a small studio
on Bleeker St
a sleepy love duet
is replaying
down on 14^th St.
while
limbs, mind and empty spaces
are excavating freedom in orange
beyond 200^th St

Toes in Sand and Head in the Clouds

Our individual life dances are made from a deep internal rhythm. That rhythm is partially built from the spots on this earth that speak to us -










My soul feels most at home near moving water- I could sit and watch it for hours. Any kind of moving water will do, really - but an expansive beach is a core connection spot for me....

Where is your soul spot?

Direct Lines

Memories and Currents

this was written and posted two years ago.

and now, here I am -

My question to ponder in rehearsal tomorrow is:

In a dance about an Empty and the juxtaposition of hope co-existing with a confusing and surprising loneliness - where do you place the next step? the good kind of missing.

the warmth of possibility. 

Tomorrow's recipe might look like this:

Start with a bit of Empty, mixed with a touch of Memory and a dash of Hope.

Or it might have some of this:

In

leaning backwards

into a sense of There

melting forward

to a stubble kiss

Flight is a blurry release

of

time

and worry

'til clear water reality

tumbles though

this cloudy mindscape

through easy walks

direct and playful eyes

catch

distracted question marks

with a warm request

of

Now

Seattle and Here

Back in the folds of Brooklyn.
for now.
this is what I can say of travels:
Friends, near and far are a good, very good thing
Life changes. sometimes quickly...sometimes in half breath moments that aren't detected until later.
Asking for what life might give you is allowed.
Joy is watching children stare at parents with wonder,
mountains turn pink in the sunset,
ducks diving into water head first leaving their fluffy bottoms topside for all to see...
And...
Getting a kiss when you want one, enjoying simple easy moments, missing them when they are over....and hoping you are given them again.

Rumi makes things Better

Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with

our whole lives, the touch of

spirit on the body. Seawater

begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately

it needs some wild darling! At

night, I open the window and ask

the moon to come and press its

face against mine. Breathe into

me. Close the language- door and

open the love window. The moon

won't use the door, only the window.

Translator: Coleman Barks

In it..and finding

Empty is still there. Here. Present.
But I am not as empty.
New thoughts are falling into place...
So now I am IN change. Beyond the moment of transition and into the transition itself.

I have no doubt that this is a slow process. But I am fascinated none the less.

What is comfort...and what is the difference between what is comfortable and what is comforting. And what do you do to take action towards your own comfort.

Can the Empty be comforting? Independence is its own kind of comfort.
But I go back to the words of the Millay poem:
"there was a shutter loose, it screeched...swung in the wind, with no wind blowing
I was afraid and turned to you,
put out a hand to you for comfort.
And you were gone.

Cold, cold as dew under my hand, the moonlight lay....."

Quick choice

Dear Bunnies...please help my brain..
Choices need to be made:

Time in a studio (I have already rented the time)
or audition for a woman everyone says is awful to work for
just to be able to do this
honestly its not a "just" .....its exactly the kind of thing I love to do.
and of course, of course..there is an ego assumption that I would get it...
And with the large population of aerial dancers and younger stronger more likely to take abuse dancers in NYC...I just might not make the cut...bit lets not think about that...
Lets pretend I make the choices here...
Come on..please?...just pretend...
Anyway... let go of thoughts of dancers with numbers desperately kicking their long legs high in the air just to get attention...pushing one another over to be seen better in line...
Just forget that stuff (yes..there is a reason for all parodies...)
I actually have constant thoughts of creating performances on,
up, in and out of things...
Perhaps the question is really...
Should I just wait until I can do it with a better vibe amongst the performers
and a knowledge that the safety aspect is well taken care of?
I admit..... as I go back and check the links, the studio is looking so much better...
Decisions, decisions...

In this time

In a moment of quiet, what occurs?
Do you empty your stored up tears or find comfort in silence?
What do you feel when there is a body next to you, relaxed...
an arm thrown over you, so you can hold the quiet hand that is there with love?
What, besides the obvious is missing when that body is no longer there?
Where is the space in us that the Empty exists? Or, does it move?

in

Sat in a room last night with 6 other art makers and life questioners.

I had to leave early.

But it was so worth it for a small step towards
a simple practice of community and support.

An UnWinding

The past still matters.
It lives in a different way.
But it's there.
I'm not sure if this is singular to me, or if everyone feels this way but sometimes I feel as though I am a mandala of my experiences...or a patchwork quilt.
The people that have touched me in my life are written in small stitches, or large sloppy sewing that is part of what builds me and is a layer of who I am.

The art of life intrigues me - the danger, or adventure...certainly the connection and chemistry of people. The way one person's hand feels on your arm versus another.

And in these ways all loves stay within us...each with their own kind of home and mark -
I don't believe that it has to stay that way - I think you can do some cosmic cleaning and rid yourself of the strings that will hold you back, or keep you from true love....

Snip, snip.......

The difficulty of course, is knowing what to cut, and what to keep.
(Mandala pictured above is from The Mandala Project)